User blog comment:Lightning2315/Hey, Some things you might wanna know./@comment-209421-20110812133315

Oh, damn. See, this is the main reason I seem to be a bit of a social rock on the wiki - I don't use either Xat, and as such, most people don't know me. I've had my fair few crushes, and I still get them irl, but they never come to anything. At least, ALMOST all of them did. Kagi made it so that one crush, which still exists, just slightly fainter than before, could be acted on, and both Megan and I are happy how that turned out. But I still have to literally create walls around my heart in person when I'm around girls I like in the outside world. Why? Because every time I let someone in, they hurt me.

Kagi, let me be clear. I feel your pain. Seriously. I lived under a black cloud for, what, maybe five years now. I had a crush five years ago, so yes, I was around 12, and she moved away. I still dream about the fight were I stepped in to protect her, and unleashed the most frightening power I've ever had. All I remember is the pure emotional intensity, and nothing else, just the events after the fight. Not even sure if the start is correct, or the memory flashes that I get from it, just the events immediately after. I kept that crush for years, and that killed all plausible relationships. My high school suspended me until I had proof from a psychologist that I was sane after I made a video where I seriously broke down into pieces, which was distributed around the school like wildfire. And that was just the first year. Most of the older users, yourself included, have seen what happens when I get angry - I almost tore the wiki in two when Guy and I clashed heads last in my most brutal rage since that fight. So, I understand the pain of having a crush literally torn from your chest and shredded by the person you care about. I get all that. This is another reason why I'm not as 100% social as the other users - I don't like letting people see how my brain TRUELY works, or letting them see the true intensity of my emotion. Sure, I do my best to help out, but helping isn't everything.

Let me tell you another story, a more recent one. I'll keep it easy to read. I liked a girl, different one to above, Her name's Amy, and she's a national champion athlete in cross-country. I try to tell her. Nothin. I try again. Nothin. Again. Nothin. She ignored me. Look at the lyrics to this song. I wrote it to express how I feel. Now I play it on guitar and sing it, and people know what it's about. Finally, I get through to her. Rejected. I fell down. Hard. I got another crush on her. Smothered it. Another crush. Replaced it with the crush on Megan, but it stayed. Smothered it. It came back. Again. Again. Again. Finally, I tried again. It died, and only now, when an old rival of mine got a crush on her, has it gone away. Probably not for good, knowing my pathetic luck with the fairer sex, but for now, I actually FEEL. I can show my emotion, or at least some of it. I can LAUGH again. Kagi, you gotta give it time. Lower the gates and let the emotion filter through, not let the torrent consume you. Learn from my mistakes. Like you, I still have that girl as a friend. Shelly for you is probably the same as both of the girls I've mentioned for me. They support us and try to guide us through the hard times, the angels sent to guide us through the wall of garbage thrown our way. Good luck, Kagi, and if you need anything, man, just ask. I owe you, "God of Wiki-Love", to help heal the pain and give you a friendly shoulder to lean on if you need it, something I've never had for myself.