User blog:Kagimizu/Broken

I was avoiding this because it would probably cause me more issues or cost me more. But really... Reputation? Respect? Friends? One way or another, it seems I have nothing left to lose. So, I'm going to lay everything on the table, bias and past transgressions and all.

The first thing that happened this month was Memph, with his parole policy testing. The most warning he gave was coming onto my Xat the night before to suddenly spring this on everyone. No notice, no discussion, no voting. He suddenly made his decision. His test subject was Guyviroth, an elitist snob who gave everyone crap and repeatedly stated he hated this site and the people on it, and was banned by a group admin decision that was virtually unanimous. And Memph suddenly decides to undermine the entire thing without even asking his fellow 'crats or admins. Needless to say after all the times I've fought with Guy and my feelings about group decisions I was vehemently against it. Humorous irony how the one person most against the whole thing ends up being the one who pays for it the most, isn't it? Ha fucking ha.

Not twenty-hour hours after being unbanned, Guy is immediately gunning to undermine and discredit me, calling a confidence call in order to get me unbanned. He gives a warped, twisted retelling of how he got banned, blaming ME for a group admin decision that I thought was too good for him, along with recounts about how I dealt with Shou repeatedly concerning Guy's ban. Said dealings being motivated solely by upholding a as far as I knew completely legitimate call from a bureaucrat on anything dealing with Guy's ban and people trying to stir drama by undermining it. People don't even bother to read both sides of the story to see what I had to say about it and start voting. People who couldn't give a crap about what happened but instead just hated me, liked Guy, or wanted me to be demoted voted. People who didn't even know me and instead relied on completely second-hand information to judge me as a person voted. I tried to defend myself, but then I remembered that I was not supposed to speak to Guy during the confidence call, leaving my hands tied and forcing me to just watch.

Guy eventually gets rebanned for repeatedly violating policy by talking to me during the call, and making a snide joke at my expense on chat when I had done nothing to him to warrant the joke. Afterwards, Memph picks up the confidence call to make sure it's carried out in an unbiased manner. He puts up both sides of the argument and specifically says "vote on the matters brought up in the blog". Call me crazy but in that situation such a phrase means "past issues don't count, personal opinions don't matter; you say whether or not what happened proves he's incompetent or not". So what happens? A total of seven people vote. Seven. Two people are left out for being biased (Shousenka- as much relevant to the call as me or Guy, Mak- obvious bias in favor of Guy, a personal friend of his), and one person is left out for not giving any reason (PinkiePieMonst). That brings it down to four. And at least two of the votes against me use completely and totally unrelated information (GD and Skull), which should mean they don't count, leaving one vote against (Xi, who had issues with me over my administration style and mixture of cautiousness and stubborness), and Shadow-Flare. The result? I'm demoted. I'm demoted by a "community consensus" of seven people at most, with only four of the votes actually counting. How's that for a community decision, huh!?

So absolutely all of the stuff I've done for the wiki over the last three years is rendered absolutely pointless. New standards are voted in, leaving my own work outdated. Xi decides that since he's revamping the mancers/kinetics pages, he gets to completely redevelop the elements that me, Ryu, and Flash all worked hard on making, many of them being ones I personally took the time to write! Almost all of the work I did or jobs I had are taken over or rendered outdated, and apparently me along with it.

And then there's real-life. I make a deal with my parents saying if I can get all of my classes to 90%, I can get an Xbox 360 guaranteed. I manage to do alright, getting Art History to 90% in one day, completing all of my non-essay lessons done in Psychology to reach about 75%, eventually getting it to 80%. I get most of my other classes to at least 70%, the only parts where I struggle are English and Literary Journal; English I was over a month behind in and just happened to be at one of those "read a book and write about/discuss it" sections, forcing me to improvise. Literary Journal I just need to draw four pictures for, and it's done. But that's not what tripped me up. In Personal Finance I had TWO projects that require a week of stock/portfolio observation each. I know that by the time I get those done I'll be too far behind to get Personal Finance and everything else to 90%, so I try to see if I can use past information to the same effect with no luck. At that point I start sputtering because I know my parents will hold it against me and call off the deal no matter what else I do. Then a few days later when I know I'm at a point where I can't quite reach the 90%, my Mom pretty much blows any hope of getting a 360 right out of the water, and any and all of my motivation along with it. This is all happening during the aforementioned confidence calls and Guy's temporary return, and along with it I get crap from both of them about getting the schoolwork done.

Then comes Christmas day itself. Despite everything that's happening I've stupidly held out hope that maybe, maybe my parents would be lenient for the sake of Christmas and get the 360 for the work I did manage. The end result of my Christmas day? The one thing I asked for out of all of that was the colored scanner, which was one of the last things on my list of "how badly I want this for Christmas". I don't wanna hear crap about how much stuff I got or what I got: I don't care about the quantity of it. Sure I can use all of this stuff, but only one of them I actually asked for. Only one of them has any meaning at all. The rest is just... stuff! Stuff you can get any day of the week! From my point of view Christmas presents are about getting something for a special occasion that you can't get any given day. Stuff that shows the people who bought it for you listened to you and know what you like. Last year hadn't been much better; a lot of practical stuff and a single highlight (a better TV for my room), but at least the freaking month beforehand had been bearable. This was my last chance at something of a good moment during this entire freaking month. Instead it just ends up being the disappointment to top off the rest, and I end up in tears over how this whole fucking month has gone, and this is pretty much how it ends! And the best part? My parents did this to prove a point about how if you don't do the work you can't get what you want. On Christmas, the day where you give and receive gifts that are meant to be special! The blanket itself was explicitly stated to be for when I was disappointed, I could at least be "cozy"!! So then I end up in a fight with my parents, venting all the crap between us and showing me just how fucked up my family really is when it comes down to it. But beforehand when I tell my friends what I got, after they all talk about getting several games or Sonic merchandise? They don't give a shit. Two people even say I should be THANKFUL for what I get, even after I explain the reasons behind them!! When they're talking about stuff they got that they actually wanted or enjoyed!!
 * A hat
 * Slippers
 * Pajamas
 * A 3-in-1 throw wrap blanket
 * An electric shaver
 * A colored scanner

And what's probably the worst part of this entire month is that I don't even know who can call a friend or not anymore!! Some "friends" voted against me in the confidence call over completely unrelated matters, and others didn't even give a shit enough to vote! As soon as I'm demoted my Xat ends up nearly abandoned; did any of my "friends" stick around because they wanted to, or because they felt obligated to because I was an admin!? And several of my friends aren't even around when I need them most, or at least need someone to talk to!! I make it obvious that I'm upset, and hardly anyone gives a damn!! I'm hurting god fucking dammit!!! Yet everyone seems to think it's something they can just brush off!!! I'm literally at a point where I don't want to live anymore, and no-one even bothers to give a passing comment or ask if they can help me!!! Virtually none of my "friends" seem to actually be there for me, the one time I honestly, truly need someone, anyone to honestly give a shit about my problems for once!!!

I feel completely and utterly broken down. I keep breaking into fits of crying at the thought that no-one seems to give a damn, or that they're too busy enjoying their own Christmas to bother helping me with an entire month of built-up crap and stress. The top moments of this month have been getting some rare units in a fucking computer game, and getting five minutes to play Sonic Generations at a public store! This may change at some point later but right, right now? Right now I truly don't want to go on living another day, because so far this month hasn't had a damn thing worth living for.

So there, I've left everything on the table. So sorry to be so selfish as to bring down your own Christmas joy with my own petty problems and pathetic cries for attention and someone to actually give a damn. I'd apologize for the cursing as well... but at some point I just stopped caring...