Board Thread:Article Critique/@comment-5732702-20140914234014/@comment-27765057-20141105223619

I...uh...have absolutely nothing funny to say as an excuse to how late I am. SO ANYWAY ABOUT THAT REVIEW-

First Impression
Upon reading over the first couple of introductory paragraphs, I was amazed as to how much detail you had put into this particular section. The introductory section is probably the most important part of a character page, as its purpose is to ease a user into your character and want to read more about them, which I think you did very well. You wasted no time in explaining why she's immortal, which I commend. The only problem with putting this much information about her so soon is that it may lose some of its reading value if the user ends up reading about it again later down in the article.

Appearance
She looks fabbu. That is all. (Actually, no that isn't all. I want to go ahead and say that I love how much detail you put into this section as well. You wrote enough information that I could easily picture her in my head without that picture being there (which looks fabbu).)

Personality
I feel that her personality is believable based on her story. Also, Friday would probably approve of her positivity.

History
Oh boy, here comes the big one.

Before I get into this section, let me just point out that it took three entire pages alone to print out her history while I finished up this review at school. With that said, I recommend that you split the history into smaller sections like I did with Checkers. You run a lesser risk of scaring off readers that have short attention spans with a story that is broken into headings. On the other hand, I applaud you for not making your paragraphs so long that readers are likely to get scared off anyway.

Moving on to the story itself, which can be quickly summarized as: Sapphie gets neglected (a lot), killed, and turned into a cyborg. I'm not going to waste any time and point out the things I liked and the things that I didn't like.

First, the bad.
 * Parents have no name. This is admittedly something that most users (including myself) have done or even still do. I feel that we should at least have the decency to name our beloved characters' parents, cause they (technically) wouldn't have existed without them. Here, though, I think it actually takes away from the story. It drives home the fact that the nameless are ultimately just a means to put Saphie in that orphanage (speaking of the orphanage, I felt that the part about the injured girl could have been elaborated on more, but I'm not concerned about it enough to warrant a bullet for it).
 * Dmitri's introduction. His intro felt like a flat-out interruption to the story due to how sudden and long it is. Also, the fact that you quickly explained what he does made it painstakingly obvious what was going to happen to Sapphie (becoming a cyborg, at least).
 * Dmitri dies. While I do think that the man got what he deserved, the way he died did not feel like a satisfying conclusion. I feel that he still had potential in the plot.

And now, the good.
 * The amount of detail you put into this story was impressive.
 * I enjoyed the scene when Dmitri first encounters Sapphie. There was a lot of tension in that moment.

My thoughts on improving the back story.
 * Continue the story. From what I read at the conclusion of the story, it seemed to me that you ran out of ideas to keep the train going. Perhaps you could bring Sapphie's father back into the plot. Let it sink in his head the results of him leaving her at that orphanage (and while you're at it, why not discuss more about her time at the orphanage?). Perhaps she could end up indulging herself in Dmitri's research, just out of curiosity. It would be rather ironic if Dmitri ended up just like Sapphie (as a cyborg) by the end of the story.

Abilities
While I do think that her abilities are believable based on her circumstances, I can't help but question the idea that she would engage in combat. Nowhere does it explain why she would even consider fighting.

Conclusion
Overall, I love this page. Therefore, I love this page. I hope this review helps and good luck in the SFW Awards, Sapphie.